Children are natural imitators. From the moment they are born, they absorb the world around them like a sponge. The first seven years of a child’s life are particularly critical, as their subconscious mind is being programmed by everything they see, hear, and experience. By the age of five, 90% of their brain development is complete. During this time, their brain operates in a state similar to hypnosis, making them highly impressionable. This means that the behaviors and interactions they witness will shape their emotional responses, relationships, and self-perception for years to come.

If a child exhibits problematic behavior later in life, it’s important to reflect: What did they witness during their formative years? How did they see conflict being handled? How were emotions expressed in their home? How did they see you treat your other half, and how did they see your partner treat you? Our children don’t just listen to what we say; they absorb who we are.

The Power of Modeling Behavior

• Discipline & Consequences: Studies show that children who were spanked between ages 0-4 are more likely to develop behavioral issues, struggle with anxiety, and experience toxic shame. They may either adopt aggressive tendencies or become passive in the face of abuse. If they see violence, whether toward themselves, animals, or others, they learn that power comes from force, not respect.
  
• Relationships & Emotional Health: A child’s early attachment experiences shape their adult relationships. How we express love, resolve arguments, and handle stress becomes their subconscious blueprint for intimacy. If they witness criticism and emotional neglect, they may develop an overly critical inner voice. If they see respect and healthy boundaries, they learn to expect the same in their future relationships.
  
• Emotional Regulation: A child’s internal dialogue is formed by the way their parents react to them. A child whose unhappy behavior is met with anger or dismissal will struggle with self-soothing in adulthood. At the same time, a child who experiences empathy and validation will learn self-compassion and emotional intelligence.

The Difference Between a Slap and a Tap

Physical discipline is a deeply debated topic, and it’s important to distinguish between harmful and intentional actions. A slap is an act of anger, humiliation, or control, it cultivates fear and can create lasting emotional wounds. A child who is frequently slapped may internalize shame, aggression, or submissiveness, shaping their behavior in ways that may not be immediately visible but will manifest over time.

A tap, on the other hand, can sometimes be used as a light, controlled gesture to momentarily break a child out of an intense emotional state. For example, if a child is overwhelmed by a tantrum and is completely disconnected from reality, a gentle tap on the hand or shoulder, paired with eye contact and a calm voice, can serve as a grounding mechanism. The key difference is intent and impact. A tap should never be used as a punishment, but rather as a way to redirect attention and re-establish connection.

That being said, the most effective way to guide children through emotions is through presence, patience, and teaching emotional regulation techniques. Helping children understand and express their emotions in healthy ways is far more beneficial than relying on physical interventions, however mild they may be.

Breaking the Cycle: Conscious Parenting

Many of us unconsciously repeat patterns from our own childhood, particularly when under stress. The key to breaking generational trauma is self-awareness. If we don’t heal our wounds, we risk passing them on.

Addressing Common Objections

Many parents may feel defensive when reflecting on past discipline methods, fearing they have already caused harm. The truth is, parenting is a learning process, and self-awareness allows us to make meaningful changes. If you’ve made mistakes, remember: it’s never too late to repair and reconnect.

• Acknowledge past actions: If you’ve disciplined in ways you now regret, talk to your child about it in an age-appropriate way. A simple apology can rebuild trust.
  
• Adjust your approach: Implement new, positive discipline strategies that focus on teaching rather than punishing.
  
• Approach parenting with empathy: When your child misbehaves, try to understand the emotions behind their actions instead of reacting instinctively.
  
• Look for support: Parenting is demanding. Reading, therapy, or parenting groups can provide valuable guidance for making lasting changes.

Actionable Steps for Conscious Parenting:

1. Reflect on Your Own Childhood – Identify patterns in how you were treated and how they influence your parenting.
   
2. Practice Emotional Regulation – Before reacting to your child, take a breath and check in with your own emotions.
   
3. Model the Behavior You Want to See – Show kindness, respect, and patience in your daily interactions.
   
4. Apologize and Repair When Necessary – No parent is perfect. A sincere apology teaches children accountability and emotional resilience.
   
5. Encourage Emotional Expression – Allow your child to express feelings without fear of punishment or dismissal.
   
6. Set Boundaries with Love – Discipline should teach, not shame. Focus on guiding rather than controlling.

The Long-Term Impact

How we treat our children when they are young is a preview of how they will treat us when we are old. Many parents express frustration when their adult children are distant or disrespectful, but these behaviors often mirror how they were treated in childhood. The subconscious mind doesn’t forget; it replicates.

“How your kids treat you when they no longer need you for food and shelter is a direct result of how you treated them when they did.” — Michelle Kenney

“Parents think why the streams are bitter, when they themselves have poisoned the fountain.” — John Locke

“Children learn more from what you are than what you teach.” — W.E.B. Du Bois

“Our children bring us up by showing us, through imitation, what we really are. They are our reflection.” — Will Durant

“Give me a child until he is seven, and I will show you the man.” — Attributed to Aristotle

The Path to Change

Conscious parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about intention. The more we work on healing our own wounds, recognizing our subconscious patterns, and regulating our emotions, the more we create a healthy foundation for our children. We cannot teach what we do not practice. If we want our children to be kind, patient, and emotionally intelligent, we must embody these traits first.

By choosing to break cycles of trauma, we empower not only our children but future generations. The change begins with us.

Your Next Step: Be the Change

Parenting isn’t about getting it right 100% of the time—it’s about learning, growing, and doing better when we know better. Every small change you make today has a lasting impact on your child’s future.

• Start today: Reflect on your parenting patterns and commit to making small, conscious shifts.
• Stay curious: Read, learn, and seek support to deepen your understanding of conscious parenting.
• Lead by example: Be the role model your child needs by embodying the values you want to teach.
• Heal yourself: Address your own wounds so you don’t pass them down unintentionally.

You have the power to change generational patterns. Your children will not remember perfect parenting, but they will remember love, understanding, and the effort you made to break the cycle.

The choice is yours. Will you be the cycle breaker?